September 15th

15 Sep

In some sick way I look forward to this day. It gives me theopportunity to reflect and realize how proud my dad would be of my life. Thelife that Dan and I have built for ourselves is something to be proud of nomatter how much we struggle or succeed; we built it by ourselves for ourselvesand no matter what happens we should be proud. Sometimes that sentiment getslost during the year and I’m sure it is like that for a lot of people. Sadly,it is today that it all comes back to me.
I’ve come a long way in the past 3 years. Everyone grievesdifferently. When my Dad passed away the next couple weeks were a completeblur. Trips to the airport to pickup and drop off family, visitors at thehouse, phone calls from friends, every night we were out surrounding ourselveswith people we were close with. Then I found out I was pregnant with David andmy full attention was diverted to pregnancy and getting things ready for ababy.  For the first year I never had theopportunity to think about the fact that my Dad was dead, gone, in heaven, andI would never see him again. The next year was bad. I took it hard, harder thanI think anyone expected me to and I internalized a lot of it. In hindsight itprobably made the process a lot tougher than it needed to be.
It wasn’t until last year, probably around this time, that Icould think of him being gone without getting the mental image of his last day.Every time I saw an ambulance tears would come to my eyes and I could literallysee him and remember the feeling of sitting in the room watching him. The fearI had running through the hospital only to open the door and hear the worstsound in the world. No matter how hard I tried to think of the good times Icouldn’t get past the sights and sounds of that day.
This past year has been a lot better. The passing ambulancestill makes me think of him but not necessarily a tearful one. I’m capable oftalking about him without getting choked up, laugh at some of the dumb jokes hewould tell and being able to imagine some of the funny things he would say inresponse to some stuff that goes on in my life.  More often it is ‘Ha! If Dad was here’ ratherthan ‘I can’t believe my Dad is gone’.
Each day gets better and one day I’m sure that I will beable to make it through September 15th without reliving every minuteof that day 3 years ago. For now I’ll just remind myself that he would be proudof me and the life that Dan and I have built together. For now I’ll just remindmyself that he was an awesome Dad and that I was lucky to have him while I did.
The Broken Chain
We knew that morning
that God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly,
in death, we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
you did not go alone;
For part of us went with you
the day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories,
your love is still our guide;
And though we cannot see you,
you are always at our side.
Our Family Chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same;
But as God calls us one by one
The Chain will link again.

RIP Dad 
10/1/44 – 9/15/09

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